So many of you in my "inner circle" know that I struggle with depression. It is hard to define what depression is for some. I know for some it is simply that they just don't know what to make dinner, or they don't have a car for the day. For me though it is this knot in my stomach that won't go away, this feeling that something is so wrong when in fact it is not, and in my head I know there is nothing wrong but I can't make that wrong feeling go away. I feel like I can't do the things like make dinner, go outside and play with my kids. I have guilt for things that I have no control over, just irrational thoughts that I know they are irrational but for some reason I can't make them go away and I just cry because I can't make it go away.
I feel like no one understands and then I get criticized by people in my "inner circle" behind my back for taking medication in the first place, or that depression is "not real" "it is all in my head." I just need support right now and not criticism from something you know very little about. For this purpose I felt like I should share my battle with the mean beast that is depression.
I first started taking medication for it when I was 15. Clinical depression usually will first manifest itself when you are going through puberty, have a life altering event, or after child birth (ppd). So in my case it first came on during puberty and later got worse after child birth. I am not saying this happens to everyone during these events, I am saying people who are going to be prone to clinical depression or what may also be known as a chemical imbalance will have it manifest itself at these points in life. In my particular case it seems to be hereditary.
When I was first married I went off my medications. I was feeling like maybe it was all in my head and I did not need a pill to make me happy, and that maybe through faith and prayer I could do it with no medication. This resulted in a nervous break down and an emergency trip to the BYU health center and my poor husband missing that day of school.
The next Sunday was fast Sunday and a sweet woman in my ward got up and stood there shaking like a leaf and shared her testimony. She shared her story of depression and how she herself battled if she should take medication or not. She realized that the Lord had blessed her with wise doctors who had been given the knowledge of science and medications that can help her to get better. That this was the Lord helping her, that her faith and prayers were being answered. I knew that she was meant to share this message for me and that I too had the answer right in front of me.
Now for finding the right medication... Prozac has always worked great for me until I had babies. Post pardum depression came and it seems to no longer work. Since then it has been a battle trying to find the right one for me. As of now I finally decided to go to a Psychiatrist. I thought he can help me better than a family doctor. So far I am weening on to a new medication and the doctor said it will take a good 2 months before it works all the way, and I may feel worse before I feel better. He is very right, I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and things are very hard right now.
I know things will get better and I have the most amazing most supportive husband in the whole wide world! He has been my rock! He has always been so supportive in all my decisions and has never given me grieve about taking medications.
I just want people to know that depression is a real thing. It is not some imaginary thing in our heads. It is a chemical imbalance that needs attention and medication just like somebody needs medication for heart problems. It is not something to be ashamed of. Most of us get is from genetics and we can not help it. It is not right for people to judge us for taking medication and getting help. In fact it takes a lot more guts for us to get help. For someone to say it is bad for me to take medication for my depression would be like me saying it is bad for a person to take drugs for infertility. Why would I not take it if it is going to help me? I would hope that if any of you were in my shoes, you would get help.
