So many of you in my "inner circle" know that I struggle with depression. It is hard to define what depression is for some. I know for some it is simply that they just don't know what to make dinner, or they don't have a car for the day. For me though it is this knot in my stomach that won't go away, this feeling that something is so wrong when in fact it is not, and in my head I know there is nothing wrong but I can't make that wrong feeling go away. I feel like I can't do the things like make dinner, go outside and play with my kids. I have guilt for things that I have no control over, just irrational thoughts that I know they are irrational but for some reason I can't make them go away and I just cry because I can't make it go away.
I feel like no one understands and then I get criticized by people in my "inner circle" behind my back for taking medication in the first place, or that depression is "not real" "it is all in my head." I just need support right now and not criticism from something you know very little about. For this purpose I felt like I should share my battle with the mean beast that is depression.
I first started taking medication for it when I was 15. Clinical depression usually will first manifest itself when you are going through puberty, have a life altering event, or after child birth (ppd). So in my case it first came on during puberty and later got worse after child birth. I am not saying this happens to everyone during these events, I am saying people who are going to be prone to clinical depression or what may also be known as a chemical imbalance will have it manifest itself at these points in life. In my particular case it seems to be hereditary.
When I was first married I went off my medications. I was feeling like maybe it was all in my head and I did not need a pill to make me happy, and that maybe through faith and prayer I could do it with no medication. This resulted in a nervous break down and an emergency trip to the BYU health center and my poor husband missing that day of school.
The next Sunday was fast Sunday and a sweet woman in my ward got up and stood there shaking like a leaf and shared her testimony. She shared her story of depression and how she herself battled if she should take medication or not. She realized that the Lord had blessed her with wise doctors who had been given the knowledge of science and medications that can help her to get better. That this was the Lord helping her, that her faith and prayers were being answered. I knew that she was meant to share this message for me and that I too had the answer right in front of me.
Now for finding the right medication... Prozac has always worked great for me until I had babies. Post pardum depression came and it seems to no longer work. Since then it has been a battle trying to find the right one for me. As of now I finally decided to go to a Psychiatrist. I thought he can help me better than a family doctor. So far I am weening on to a new medication and the doctor said it will take a good 2 months before it works all the way, and I may feel worse before I feel better. He is very right, I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and things are very hard right now.
I know things will get better and I have the most amazing most supportive husband in the whole wide world! He has been my rock! He has always been so supportive in all my decisions and has never given me grieve about taking medications.
I just want people to know that depression is a real thing. It is not some imaginary thing in our heads. It is a chemical imbalance that needs attention and medication just like somebody needs medication for heart problems. It is not something to be ashamed of. Most of us get is from genetics and we can not help it. It is not right for people to judge us for taking medication and getting help. In fact it takes a lot more guts for us to get help. For someone to say it is bad for me to take medication for my depression would be like me saying it is bad for a person to take drugs for infertility. Why would I not take it if it is going to help me? I would hope that if any of you were in my shoes, you would get help.
13 comments:
Dear Kellybean,
Thank you for being so brave and for loving yourself enough to be honest about how depression has affected you. I hope that you know that you are a ray of sunshine even when the cloud of depression hovers over your mind and heart. I haven't met anyone whose goodness, kindness, intelligence, and "inner light" shines brighter than yours. If someone ever asks you about why you are taking medication, just tell them that you're taking it because you love yourself, your husband, and your children. That is enough. And you know what? You are enough. God considers you his greatest creation, as-is, without qualification. I believe that because you are taking your well-being so seriously, you will find the right balance of medication, therapy, exercise, and spiritual nourishment, and you will feel the sun shining again, you will feel at peace, new hope and greater self-confidence. Our family has taken your journey, so I'm writing from experience and love. xo
I couldn't have said it better myself Kelly. It is a real problem that requires a real solution. You are an awesome person so just stick to it and you will overcome! We are always here for you. Love, Nick Kuulei and Alette.
I hope you haven't ever gotten the impression that I am critical of anyone's decision to take medication for depression. I know I have said in the past that I don't understand depression because it's not something I have experienced, but I totally support the need to do what it takes to fix it. There are people in my family that NEED medication for various mental issues and their denial or refusal to acknowledge any problem has been very destructive. I hope you know that I love and support you and am glad you are getting the help you need.
Kel-
Thanks for opening up your heart so that we can all understand a little better what you are going through and be there for you. You are an amazing person and I truly admire you. Everything you said in this post I felt you are 100% right on. If it helps you....do it. I had a close friend who just finally after 2 years of battling depression got the help she needed and is on a medication. I am so happy for her that she can finally feel some peace. I pray your new medications will start to help you soon.
I am always here for you if you ever need anything.
Love,
Anne
I myself have suffered from major PPD and SADD...it is not fun at all!!! My husband has OCD and has taken medication for it for years and years. For people to say "just have faith and get over it" simply means they have not experienced real depression nor do they understand the hard core faith involved in submitting your will to the fact that in life we cannot "fix it" ourselves, or "fix it" in this lifetime. Where the Lord has provided help we should take and rejoice in it!!! I have a nephew that was diagnosed with diabetes at the tender age of 18 months. He needs regulated insulin to survive, why don't those same scoffers tell my little nephew to "have faith and get over it!?"
It would be ludacris!!! But so is telling someone with any condition in which medication is a lifeline, to "get over it". Perhaps someday they will all be humble enough to be kind and supportive. But for now we are left to do our best inspite of our pain, to ignore the last of the IGNORANT SCOFFERS!!! It is just too bad that they don't make a medicine for THEM!!! :) LOL!
Thanks for sharing something so personal Kelly. I admire that. I have always thought of you as a sincere, happy, genuine person. I whole-heartedly agree with medications and hope that you will find one that is right for you.
Love from the Provo Shumways!!
Thank you for sharing your link with me on facebook. It's always wonderful to hear of other women who are battling depression and refuse to let it rule their lives. it's such an insidious disorder, and it really affects every part of your life. You are so great to speak out and educate people about what depression is really like. You are a great example!
We sometimes never know the struggles others go through. You a truly amazing, talented and wonderful person. I hope the new medication works for you.
How wonderful for you to share your story, you may help so many people.
Call me anytime. I'm here for you and wish I could be closer too. You're doing all the right things. You're doing the best you can. And you're pretty much just awesome all around. I'm glad you're my sister!
Sweet Kelly! I just wanted to say, I LOVE YOU! If you need somebody to just come and hang out to chat, let me know and I'll pack up the kids and we'll be out there! You are a sweetheart and so kind to me and my family. I sincerely hope that this is going to be the right medicine for you!
I love you Kelly and I'm here for you! I don't have a clue what you're going through but it breaks my heart to imagine. You're one of the most loveable cool chicks I know and I adore you. Please know you can call me anytime or drop the boys off or I can come pick them up! Whatever you need, you just ask without feeling any hesitation or guilt!! XO, Nish
Kell,
I am so glad thta you shared that. I cannot imagine anyone not supporting your effort to get better, but people surprise me with an inability to understand all of the time. My father was a bipolar/manic depressive all of my life. It was horrible to have every possible moment of hapines contingent upon his mood. My family was eventually torn apart by the constant ups and downs and other things I am sure, but I truly believe the depression was so much of it. Left un medicated it ran his life and he miss so much of the good things in his life (kids, marriage,milestones). He recently went to see a psychiatrist and got help after a truly scarry 2 year abys of depression so severe that we had not talked for almost 3 years. I feared for his life and expected to hear that he had ended his torment. By a miracle that I still dont understand, he finally went to get help. He now lives a happy, more stable life. He calls all of the the time & we are close, He dreams and really lives now. I wish he had medicated so many years before. What you are doing is a truly loving thing for the family! Keep it up and remember that fixing a problem is nothing to be ashamed of!f I hope you know that you have our support. I adore you and miss you so much! If I were there I would atleast come over and talk about poo or gas or something with you more often. Love ya! -Sarah
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